I’ve had, let’s call it, a meditative epiphany. I was meditating and I asked the universe for clarity and guidance and It gave me both. I am a professional self sabotager in almost every area in my life, it’s just my way, it always has been. I’m also one of those people who wish they were always invisible and not just so I can be a feared, world renowned spy, but mostly because I just don’t like people looking at me. I have the privilege to be maid of honor in two weddings this year, my brothers and my best friends. When I think about these beautiful events I don’t think about how amazing it’s going to be, how fun, how happy I am for these couples. No, I think about ‘holy shit, I have to walk down an aisle in heels in front of a roomful of people…I also will most likely have to give a speech…holy fuckballs this is going to suck.’ Yeah, I’m that person that turns your lovely day into something all about me. I’m sorry world.
Here’s the root of it though, I just don’t like being seen. Actually, I don’t know if it’s that I don’t like being seen. I guess, as I’ve gone through life and had those moments when I have been seen, it’s rarely been for good things. In fourth grade I learned a swirly was, yeah the sticking your head in a toilet kind of swirly. However, I was told swirly’s were like a cool, funny thing to do. So the day after learning this great new information, I went to school and was in the bathroom with some of the girls from my class. I imparted my super awesome swirly info and demonstrated. I didn’t stick my head in the toilet to the point where I came out wet hair but I was pretty eye level with seat. The girls ran back to the classroom, reported my shenanigans and when I walked into the classroom my teacher shamed me in front of the room for ‘playing in the toilet’ and everyone laughed.
That was my most embarrassing school moment but there were so many more times when it was just better to be invisible, it kept me out of trouble. I read something a while back about how kids that grew up in an abusive or toxic environments learned how to be invisible or people pleasing as a survival mechanism and I think, for me, there’s a lot of truth in that.
However, on the other side of that coin, there have been times when it has been eyes on me and I loved it. I did a few dance recitals when I was a kid and loved the praise I got afterwards. A few years ago I received my Associates degree and so many of my co-workers came out and cheered for me as I walked across the stage, it was a wonderful moment.
Now, here I am. Maybe some kind of fork in the road where I have to decide what’s more important: the self-preservation of staying invisible or the boldness that comes from stepping into the spotlight. So much is involved in this. I stay invisible (chunky and unhealthy) to guard myself from male attention but that can’t be healthy. In my house I’m all at peace and kumbayah but as soon as I step out the door the defenses go up because now I’m exposing myself. Now people can see me. I don’t know what to do about this one. This is going to take a lot of praying and meditating.