I am on the brink of downward spiral. I can feel it. There seems to be a perfect storm of…shit about to happen. There’s a good side to this though, I know it’s coming and I see the warning signs.
Warning sign 1: I am bored at work. Really bored. I do enough to last me a couple of hours, at most, and then I do nothing but stare at a computer screen and think about how bored I am. I’ve handed over almost all of my job duties and responsibilities to my replacement so she can start finding her own flow and call on me if she needs to but I’ve left myself with 40 hours a week of nothing. Due to work time boredom, I’m completely unmotivated at home and I just want to sit and dwell on how bored I am at work which starts a bad thought chain. Oh yeah, being bored is leading me to wanting to eat all the time and that’s causing me to crave terribly unhealthy foods.
Warning sign 2: Thoughts of the future don’t make me happy and giddy, they make me stressed. Not the thoughts of leaving the military and going to school, those are still amazing. I’m maid of honor in two spring weddings and I’m already feeling resentful. I’ll get to the whole forever alone thing in the next warning sign, this one I’m being resentful because I don’t get to focus on me. Yes, very selfish, but I will be a full-time student and I want to focus on doing well on that but I’ll have to share my time and attention with being involved in two weddings. That upsets me. To be fair, I don’t think I’m dealing with bridezillas so I think they will be understanding but the potential of a melt down while I’m working on something for school has me on edge.
Warning sign 3: Weddings. 2 weddings that I’m in and, as of now, I have no date prospects for either. I’m seriously considering male escorts because, well, it works in the movies right? I like my independence and I do well being on my own until something comes along, like a wedding, and rubs my face in it. It’s like the universe going ‘haha bitch, you’re never going to get there, enjoy the spot next to the bride because you’ll never be the one in white.’ As I’m sure you can imagine, that doesn’t feel great.
Warning sign 4: A huge change is coming and I’m walking away from my routine. Routine is a big thing for me and it’s why I’ve done so well in the air force. Routine give me structure which gives me sanity. After many a long weekend or time off of work I am more than ready to get back in the office because without my routine I become a blob that does nothing for days except eat and think about all the great things I should be doing. I do want some time off when I move back home to settle in and relax and eventually I’ll get a part-time job and start school but until then, I feel like I will be free wheeling into the devil’s playground.
Warning sign 5: Unexpected expenses. I have budgeted all my money from now until the end of the year so I know that I can survive without a job until end of January, maybe February. Today I learned that, traditionally, the maid of honor organizes the bridal shower on her own dime (two bridal showers for me). I was already planning on paying for my dresses and I’m cool with that. Oh, I forgot to mention, one wedding is in New Jersey and one is in Texas and I live in Indiana so hello travel costs and time out of classes. I don’t know what I’ll do if they ask me to make a trip before to help plan. I really wanted to get out of the military and leave stress behind…I’m kind of resentful of that too.
That’s most of the warning signs, the big ones anyways. Maybe they’re more triggers, I don’t know. Like I said, it’s good that I see and acknowledge these and for the first time maybe in my whole life, I realize that I don’t want to do the dark downward spiral. It sucks and it hurts and it doesn’t make me special and it doesn’t get me love. It hurts me and takes me further back from my goals. I can divert my path to avoid this. The hardest part is going to be keeping myself busy at work because I can’t just leave whenever I want to (yet), I have to still be available to my airmen so I have to come up with something to do and fast. Today I want to fight this, tomorrow I may not. The other stuff…I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe the law of attraction will help me manifest a date for these shindigs. I think first I need to start productive in my work days.
Today I like(d):
- Realizing that I don’t want to be depressed and appreciating that I can recognize my warning signs and triggers.
- My dog’s tail wagging when I came home during lunch and at the end of the day.