Come break me down…

Here’s the dealio, I think I have found a better way to articulate what I’m feeling right now since yesterday’s post was a complete jumblefuck. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that when I get back to my mom’s house in Indiana, I’m going to lay my head down, go to sleep and wake up in a world where the past 12 years never happened. This is not a metaphor, this is really what has me riled up right now. I will go to sleep, wake up and be 22 again with no direction and no purpose for my life, just back in a major depressive episode. You know how some people say they wish they could go back to their 20’s, I’m not one of them. Sure I wish I had the physical stamina of my late 20’s but that would be the only thing I want from that decade. Everything else was a complete mess.

Alternate scenario though: I go to sleep, wake up and I’m 34 years old, obese, living with mom and on my way to my job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (an honorable job but just not what I want to do). The fear in both scenarios is the same, that the last 12 years never happened. I never travelled the world, I never met my greatest friends, I never laughed until I cried, I never did anything. I’m legitimately worried that I’ll go home and the last 12 years won’t have happened. Yes, I see the metaphor, I’m scared I’ll go home and regress. I texted one of my closest friends last night and made her take a blood oath to hit me with the tough love if I lose my way, drop out of school and go back into retail (again, another noble occupation but I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt and don’t want to do back). She agreed to be ruthless when necessary which gave me some comfort. It’s just happening and, from a distance, it was really exciting but the closer it gets, it’s scary.

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Breathe me…

I am on the brink of downward spiral. I can feel it. There seems to be a perfect storm of…shit about to happen. There’s a good side to this though, I know it’s coming and I see the warning signs.

Warning sign 1: I am bored at work. Really bored. I do enough to last me a couple of hours, at most, and then I do nothing but stare at a computer screen and think about how bored I am. I’ve handed over almost all of my job duties and responsibilities to my replacement so she can start finding her own flow and call on me if she needs to but I’ve left myself with 40 hours a week of nothing. Due to work time boredom, I’m completely unmotivated at home and I just want to sit and dwell on how bored I am at work which starts a bad thought chain. Oh yeah, being bored is leading me to wanting to eat all the time and that’s causing me to crave terribly unhealthy foods.

Warning sign 2: Thoughts of the future don’t make me happy and giddy, they make me stressed. Not the thoughts of leaving the military and going to school, those are still amazing. I’m maid of honor in two spring weddings and I’m already feeling resentful. I’ll get to the whole forever alone thing in the next warning sign, this one I’m being resentful because I don’t get to focus on me. Yes, very selfish, but I will be a full-time student and I want to focus on doing well on that but I’ll have to share my time and attention with being involved in two weddings. That upsets me. To be fair, I don’t think I’m dealing with bridezillas so I think they will be understanding but the potential of a melt down while I’m working on something for school has me on edge.

Warning sign 3: Weddings. 2 weddings that I’m in and, as of now, I have no date prospects for either. I’m seriously considering male escorts because, well, it works in the movies right? I like my independence and I do well being on my own until something comes along, like a wedding, and rubs my face in it. It’s like the universe going ‘haha bitch, you’re never going to get there, enjoy the spot next to the bride because you’ll never be the one in white.’ As I’m sure you can imagine, that doesn’t feel great.

Warning sign 4: A huge change is coming and I’m walking away from my routine. Routine is a big thing for me and it’s why I’ve done so well in the air force. Routine give me structure which gives me sanity. After many a long weekend or time off of work I am more than ready to get back in the office because without my routine I become a blob that does nothing for days except eat and think about all the great things I should be doing. I do want some time off when I move back home to settle in and relax and eventually I’ll get a part-time job and start school but until then, I feel like I will be free wheeling into the devil’s playground.

Warning sign 5: Unexpected expenses. I have budgeted all my money from now until the end of the year so I know that I can survive without a job until end of January, maybe February. Today I learned that, traditionally, the maid of honor organizes the bridal shower on her own dime (two bridal showers for me). I was already planning on paying for my dresses and I’m cool with that. Oh, I forgot to mention, one wedding is in New Jersey and one is in Texas and I live in Indiana so hello travel costs and time out of classes. I don’t know what I’ll do if they ask me to make a trip before to help plan. I really wanted to get out of the military and leave stress behind…I’m kind of resentful of that too.

That’s most of the warning signs, the big ones anyways. Maybe they’re more triggers, I don’t know. Like I said, it’s good that I see and acknowledge these and for the first time maybe in my whole life, I realize that I don’t want to do the dark downward spiral. It sucks and it hurts and it doesn’t make me special and it doesn’t get me love. It hurts me and takes me further back from my goals. I can divert my path to avoid this. The hardest part is going to be keeping myself busy at work because I can’t just leave whenever I want to (yet), I have to still be available to my airmen so I have to come up with something to do and fast. Today I want to fight this, tomorrow I may not. The other stuff…I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe the law of attraction will help me manifest a date for these shindigs. I think first I need to start productive in my work days.

Today I like(d):

  1. Realizing that I don’t want to be depressed and appreciating that I can recognize my warning signs and triggers.
  2. My dog’s tail wagging when I came home during lunch and at the end of the day.

I saw the sign…

I am worn. I felt much better today than I did yesterday, probably because I ate a little more. I felt so good that I decided that some hot air wasn’t going to keep me from running after work. I went to the track and ran in the 100 degree heat. I wanted to do my 14 minutes running with one minute walking but I didn’t make it. I got to 7 minutes running and needed a break. I walked a minute, ran the 3 or 4 minutes to the starting line, picked up a friend and ran a half mile (didn’t track the time) then we walked a half mile and she busted out another running lap. After the third lap I was done but, to be fair, it was a mile and a half and I ran most of it so, YAY! Since I have a flexible schedule tomorrow I am going to run in the morning before the heat sets in. I just really wanted to get the legs moving today so I wouldn’t feel so stiff. Luckily, next week our temperatures are supposed to drop into the 70’s so I can start working on 30 minutes running and 5k training!

Today I like(d)…

  1. That I had a nice conversation with someone I had never met, a young lady that works in the same group as me.
  2. That a friend of mine checked up on me after I confided in her about a personal problem yesterday.
  3. That my best friend and I can be so supportive of each other even though we’re far away.
  4. That I got a clean bill of health from the oral surgeon I saw today.
  5. That I’m starting to look good.

Promise of a new day…

Today was shit. Drama from the weekend spilled over into today, work was unnecessarily stressful, people were assholes, I am just not a fan of this day. I struggled to keep myself together at work but when I got home and started texting my bestie about it, I finally felt safe to let it out. I got everything out that needed to get out and I enjoyed just staring at my sweet dog’s smiling face. I’m still feeling the after effects of it, the rawness that comes from feeling vulnerable and emotional for a period of time, but tomorrow will be a better day. I tried so hard to start today off good. I woke up early and worked out, I listened to positive YouTube videos and music, but it still just fell apart, maybe I tried too hard. Tomorrow is a new day!

Today I like(d)…

  1. That I have become resilient enough to keep myself together at work.
  2. That I survived.
  3. That my best friend was there for me all day with her love and positivity.

As time goes by…

Exciting stuff: I registered for my first official post-injury race today! I’m even going an extra step with it and I’m going to try to fundraise for a local homeless shelter. I don’t particularly like to ask people for money but I figure it’s worth a shot since it’s for a good cause. Even if only a few dollars get raised, it’s better than nothing. It’s on Thanksgiving day so at least I know I’ll eat really good afterwards. It’s going to be a 4.5 mile run so it gives me a new challenge to work toward. This is going to be my final week of my walk-to-run program, 14 minutes running with 1 minute walking. After this week the next challenge is 30 minutes and then I think it’s going transition to distance tracking rather than time. I would like to start a 10k training program once I get comfortable with 5k’s which will hopefully be in a month or so.

I’ve noticed an interesting thing lately. When I’m getting ready to run, I really don’t want to do it. I mean, I’ll put all my gear on and then I hesitate because I feel like I just don’t want to do it, but I want to look good and eat all day so I do it anyways. Then when I finish, I feel strong and amazing especially when I consider where I started from, getting winded after only a minute or two, now I’m running over a mile at a time. I’m worried a day will come when the ‘don’t want to’ feeling will trump the ‘want to’ feeling and then I’ll end up back where I started. I don’t want that to happen, I’ve come too far and I’m not getting younger, the longer I take to get healthy the harder it’s going to be. Maybe that’s what I need to be reminding myself.

Side note…a couple weeks ago I was listening to a YouTube video about gratitude. I was intrigued at the context that was used to convey gratitude. They weren’t constantly repeating ‘I am grateful for,’ they were saying ‘I like…’ as their way to express gratitude. I heard that and it was like a weight lifted from my shoulders. Gratitude is a beautiful thing but that word can be so heavy. So, instead of saying ‘I’m grateful for’, I’m going to start saying ‘I like(d)’. So…

Today I like(d)…

  1. The cooler weather.
  2. That I was able to take the dog on two walks.
  3. The very nice lady we met on the second walk.
  4. That I have friends who know the real me and stand by me.

Has someone taken the best of you…

I am blessed with amazing people in my life that I call friends and family. They have given me strength and shown me what it is to value and respect yourself. I am beyond lucky to have them. Now, as someone who spends about 95% of her personal time alone, I struggle with finding a balance when I have these fantastic people around. I completely let myself off the leash and I lose almost all my hard-earned discipline. I had a friend drive in on Thursday and she just left this morning. She is one of my best friends but during her short stay we had pizza, wine, chocolate and a super carb heavy meal at olive garden. Luckily she’s a late sleeper so I was able to get a run in this morning, the 5k yesterday got rained out which didn’t make me feel any better about everything I was eating. I looked in the mirror last night and, knowing that 24 hours of bad eating and drinking wasn’t going to undo all my hard work, I didn’t like what I saw. After I ran this morning, I felt so much better. I think when I have other people around I just put all my own needs and good habits on hold to cater to them and that’s not good for anyone. I love my bestie and, at the same time, I’m glad she’s gone so I can focus on being healthy again. I never imagined that a day would come when I did not want to stuff my face but, today was that day. I just wanted to stay within my calories and I have done just that!

Okay, as I’m writing this out I feel like I need to take some personal responsibility. Yes, we went to Olive Garden but I didn’t have to eat the 4 bread sticks and I didn’t have to forgo the salad for a pasta dish but I did anyway. It was not my friends fault that I had a third piece of pizza. I made those choices myself because I was hungry in that moment, not thinking about the consequences. Maybe I need to work on my food discipline a little bit more…

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. My friend coming to see me!
  2. My friend leaving.
  3. Just being where I am in my life and being able to get here.

Could’ve had it all…

I had the best of intentions…for most of the day. I took all my gear with me to work and I said ‘I’m going to leave a few minutes early to make that 5 p.m. kickboxing class!’ Then work stepped in…and I left late instead of early. I don’t know if I’ll make it tonight, I have a 6:30 best friend phone date that I’ve been putting off and it will probably last too long for the 7:30 class. I did some strength training this morning though so I’ve done something fitness-ish today.

Just what is all this about though? Why do I let it be okay that I won’t make the kickboxing class that I said I wanted to go to today? Why don’t I hold myself accountable? I definitely hold other people accountable and I know they hold me accountable when it’s important to them, so why don’t I do that for myself? Is it because my couch and house are more comfy cozy than that gym where I sweat and ache afterwards? Sure, but there’s got to be more to it, yeah? I like kickboxing…if I made it a habit I’d probably love kickboxing. What don’t I love? The drive there, 30-40 minutes in rush hour traffic. Also, they do partner rounds and you have to partner yourself up with, usually, a stranger and that makes me uncomfortable, not in a threatening way just in a ‘I’m socially awkward, don’t judge me’ way. Also, We don’t just hit and kick things, we do a 15 HIIT workout as a ‘warm-up’. This ‘warm up’ has me sweating like I’ve never sweat before and it’s hard…really hard.

Yes, I know, as I read this back it sounds amazingly childish. Ooh, talk to someone and be nice, maybe make a friend, how awful. Workout and sweat so you get healthy and strong and feel better about yourself, what a drag. I’m going to leave the drive complaint alone because as I’ve discussed, I have road rage issues and that drive can have me screaming, really screaming, at people. So that’s 2 lame ass excuses to 1 halfway legitimate excuse. I just have to stick to my own words. I don’t like letting other people down so why do I want to let myself down. Maybe there’s something amazing on the other side of this wall and I’ll see it after I have made this a great habit.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. My cat and his bug eating fetish so I never have to see them.
  2. My boss, for letting bygones be bygones.
  3. My bestie for being there to talk me through shit.