Sugar we’re going down swingin…

I wish I was about to type out some amazing post about how great my life is going…I really wish…because that’s how I should be feeling, but I don’t. I’m about to make a huge life transition and start a new chapter, be closer to family, be able to reconnect with old friends…I should be on cloud 9 but I’m struggling to reach that high. My house is a messĀ  and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m about to pack up and ship off my whole life and I won’t see most of my stuff for probably a month so hello uncomfortable sofa sleeping situations. I’m walking voluntarily into unemployment for an unforeseeable amount of time. I’m about to be a college student at 34, Oh yeah, I feel fat and like I’ve made zero progress and that makes me want to eat, I mean eat in a bad way. I want to go to Wal-Mart and fill my basket with Halloween candy, a family sized box of fruit roll ups and one of those pre made bakery cakes with the buttercream frosting, not one of the little ones either, I want one that can feed like 6-8 people and I want a pint of cookies and cream ice cream to wash it down with, not the 300 calorie a pint stuff either, the 300 calorie per spoonful kind because why the fuck am I trying so hard if nothing is happening.

I don’t even think this is stress talking, I think it’s more anxiety. I never wanted to do my time in the military just to end up right back where I started 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was 22 and living with my mom, I had no purpose or direction so I enlisted. I’m moving back with home with my mom (potential step back 1) and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my direction and purpose as soon as I get there. I wish I could find comfort in the old ‘if you really don’t want to do it, then it won’t happen’ thinking but I just don’t. Everything right now is just so overwhelming I don’t even know what write about it any more. I think I just need to talk it out with someone face to face…that’s going on this weeks to do list.



Today I don’t feel like doing anything…

Bored: feeling weary because one is unoccupied or lacks interest in one’s current activity.

I am bored. I am so bored. I’m bored at work then I’m at bored at home, I wake up bored and I go to sleep bored. I’m booooooooreddd!

I’m bored and I still don’t feel good. I’m starting to think I’m giving myself a mental block to being healthy but, tmi alert, I’m nauseous, not losing anything, fatigued and constipated which means I still don’t have my freaking diet figured out which is really frustrating. I feel better than I did a couple of weeks ago but still not 100%. I think I need to stop tracking for a while and just eat mindfully and, yes, that is part of my cycle but I don’t know what else to do. I think I’ve got enough awareness now to keep myself in line and just eat when I’m hungry but I’m always hungry and not bored hungry, actual stomach churning hungry even though I’m taking in plenty of calories. The only thing I can think of is to track my water because I don’t know if I’m dehydrated or hyper hydrated. My lips will be chapped but I won’t feel thirsty or I do feel thirsty but my stomach is like ‘please, take a break on the h2o.’ This is all frustrating. So…yeah…maybe I need to ease off the diet piece and focus on the fitness piece for a minute. Get myself into the swing of kickboxing and running regularly before I start enforcing a calorie restriction.

All this could be causing the bored because who wants to do something when you don’t feel good. But I’m bored at work which is my momentum for the rest of the day. I even left work early today and for what? To come home and be bored here. The thing is, I had ideas for things to do, go take a walk in a park or go for a run or knock out some shopping but I just didn’t do them, even though they were so much more appealing than being bored. I resisted and in this case that’s not a good thing. I thought of all the times I held myself back from doing things I really wanted to do because my resistance was fear or laziness. These weren’t things I felt obligated to do, I wanted to do them, I just didn’t. I think that’s why I struggle finding my alignment with this world and the universe, I resist too much. I just need to get out of my own way and stop holding myself back.


Could’ve had it all…

I had the best of intentions…for most of the day. I took all my gear with me to work and I said ‘I’m going to leave a few minutes early to make that 5 p.m. kickboxing class!’ Then work stepped in…and I left late instead of early. I don’t know if I’ll make it tonight, I have a 6:30 best friend phone date that I’ve been putting off and it will probably last too long for the 7:30 class. I did some strength training this morning though so I’ve done something fitness-ish today.

Just what is all this about though? Why do I let it be okay that I won’t make the kickboxing class that I said I wanted to go to today? Why don’t I hold myself accountable? I definitely hold other people accountable and I know they hold me accountable when it’s important to them, so why don’t I do that for myself? Is it because my couch and house are more comfy cozy than that gym where I sweat and ache afterwards? Sure, but there’s got to be more to it, yeah? I like kickboxing…if I made it a habit I’d probably love kickboxing. What don’t I love? The drive there, 30-40 minutes in rush hour traffic. Also, they do partner rounds and you have to partner yourself up with, usually, a stranger and that makes me uncomfortable, not in a threatening way just in a ‘I’m socially awkward, don’t judge me’ way. Also, We don’t just hit and kick things, we do a 15 HIIT workout as a ‘warm-up’. This ‘warm up’ has me sweating like I’ve never sweat before and it’s hard…really hard.

Yes, I know, as I read this back it sounds amazingly childish. Ooh, talk to someone and be nice, maybe make a friend, how awful. Workout and sweat so you get healthy and strong and feel better about yourself, what a drag. I’m going to leave the drive complaint alone because as I’ve discussed, I have road rage issues and that drive can have me screaming, really screaming, at people. So that’s 2 lame ass excuses to 1 halfway legitimate excuse. I just have to stick to my own words. I don’t like letting other people down so why do I want to let myself down. Maybe there’s something amazing on the other side of this wall and I’ll see it after I have made this a great habit.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. My cat and his bug eating fetish so I never have to see them.
  2. My boss, for letting bygones be bygones.
  3. My bestie for being there to talk me through shit.

Something’s coming…

At the start of last week it was like a switch flipped for me. I was officially 3 months away from the end of my military career and I was ecstatic, I felt like I was floating. All the new changes coming down at work, all the new policies, I could finally say, were not my problem. This week, the switch has flipped in a different direction and instead of happy anticipation, I feel wracked with panic. What the fuck am I doing? Not panic in the sense that I’m going to run back to Mama Air Force and re-enlist for another 4-8 years, but panic like, oh shit my whole life is about to change in a big way. I’m saying buh-bye to things like free health and dental care, job stability and retirement. I’m saying hello to potential unemployment and student loan debt and, oh yeah, I’m moving back home to live with my mom which I see no shame in but it’s also not exactly where I wanted to be at 34 years old.

I vented over texts to my best friend and told her that before we have a 2 hour-long talk about it to really dig through this, I need to sleep on it, see how I feel tomorrow. Maybe this is just a temporary, Monday kind of thing and tomorrow I will be bright-eyed and clear-headed. I hinted at my panic to my boss and she simply said, ‘set your intent.’ So, I’m going to set my intent…this is what I want my life to look like next year…

I’m in school working on my Bachelors degree full-time. I have a job close to school or home that has flexible hours. This job allows me to make extra money and also focus on school. The job has a public health or medical piece to it and allows me to use skills and knowledge that I’ve acquired in the military. I’m engaged in both school and work. I’m still able to attend kickboxing classes at least 2 times a week and I’m running longer distances, 5-10 miles, regularly with the goal of completing the Indy 500 half marathon in May. My life is busy but balanced. I’m able to save money while living comfortably. My animals are happy and loved.

If my life next year is just like that, it will be a good year.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. The nice man who found me looking lost in the basement of the VA hospital and helped me get to where I needed to go. He was so kind.
  2. The man who helped me file my VA paperwork. I know it was his job but I think his job is something that will make my life a little easier and that’s a blessing.
  3. My airmen. They have their good and bad moments but I think they are truly good people.

‘Insert appropriate song lyric here for title here…’

I’m starting to hit a wall. I’ve dropped a couple of pounds (really a couple, just 2-3) and I can see my muffin top slowly creeping away from the top of pants and back into my side where it belongs. It’s simply the first step on my journey to lose that dirty thirty but, for whatever reason, it makes me want to be like ‘yay, I have progress and now I’m done!’ What kind of garbage is that?!

A couple of months ago when I started daily writing I had a few days of ‘ugh, I don’t want to do it, just leave me alone you good habit trying to make me a better person.’ But I pushed through because I wanted to see what would be on the other side of that wall. Turns out, a lot of self-love was on the other side. Writing something every day has become essential, I go to sleep with an extra weight on my chest if I don’t write for a day. It’s become a way for me clear my head and process my life. In all honesty, it’s become a life changing good habit.

So what if I apply the same concept to eating healthy and working out. I know, this probably seems like a total ‘gimme’ but the fact that I have to write this out shows how much I’m struggling with it. What if I don’t throw in the towel and take an early victory lap (which will only lead to me cheating myself in the long run, hello vicious circle, long time no see) but actually acknowledge that, yes, progress is good but the hard work is just beginning. Full disclosure: I don’t like hard work. It’s hard and I have a very soft and comfy couch…but that couch gets boring after a while. Hard work is at least interesting.

Hmm…what’s on the other side of that wall…

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. A short work day!
  2. Doggy day care wearing out my furry beast.
  3. The luxury of having choices.

He’s going to make you stronger…

I don’t know how to really describe what I’m feeling right now. There’s like a pit in my stomach and nerves on edge, I feel like I could just break down sobbing but I have no idea why. To be fair, I just watched some ‘sad movie/tv moments’ YouTube video (they were recommended and what was the worst that could happen). Maybe those videos are just making me feel vulnerable. Maybe I have anxiety about a big meeting at work tomorrow, I don’t know…I think it’s work. I have a meeting with some people who are much more important than me and I feel like a lamb going to the slaughter. I won’t be alone, I’ll two of my leaders with me but I feel like it’s going to get nasty and I’m not going to leave unscathed. What’s weird is that I know I’ll survive this meeting, it’s not the end of the world or my career, it’s a just a meeting to hash things out. However, the way I’m feeling now, really, you would think I am going to be stoned or whipped or something. I feel so on edge and fearful. I don’t know if this is a childhood trauma remnant or a panic attack or what but it’s definitely not a nice feeling to be sitting with.

On a happier note, I am sore in all the right places which means I am rebuilding, yay! My diet took a bit of a dive around dinner time, I discovered that I still had half a pint of cookies ‘n cream ice cream left so…yeah, it was a nice post-salmon pallet cleanser. Tomorrow is kickboxing again and then I am so looking forward to a nice relaxing weekend…with more kickboxing but then lots of relaxing and recovering.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. The nice chat I had with my mentor about how to handle a work situation. The fact that it was beneficial for both of us is cherry on top!
  2. My physical therapy techs. They are awesome, funny guys that I enjoy spending an hour with twice a week.
  3. These sore muscles that are getting stronger!

This is how we do it…

Well, I’m pleased to report that I did not drop the F-bomb on any unsuspecting, polite food service workers today. The cat bit me and I yelled but I didn’t throw anything so, yay for progress!

I told my boss that I wasn’t feeling well over the weekend and I just felt off, she said that it sounds like I’m detoxing, I told her no, I had fast food yesterday so that wasn’t it, as nice a thought as it is. I just feel tired and not great, I think I’m adjusting. I didn’t make it to kickboxing or spin class tonight. I woke up this morning so dizzy and kind of weak, I think I was just hungry because once I ate I felt better. The body is a crazy thing. I’m trying to get healthy but it’s like I’m just making myself sick…this too shall pass…I hope…

I was thinking today about why I don’t see things through, especially with none work stuff like a workout routine, diet or even a personal goal. I always go with a ‘well, whatever happens happens, I’ll see how I feel approach’ rather than a ‘yes, I will do this and I will see it through!’ The last time I very clearly said ‘yes, I will,’ to something, I started marathon training and got up to 13 mile runs before I started getting knee pains. Then I got more pains and a few years later the ankle broke and I don’t know why I’m so hesitant to commit to something like that again. Is it because of how much I love my safe, comfy bubble? Or is it because it’s devastating to lose something you love and I love running and I lost it? Maybe it’s both.

If I make the decision to take clear and concise goals I just get in my own way and my excuses become the barriers. I’m tired and need rest, I don’t feel good, I need to play with the dog instead, I know all these reasons well. Am I just afraid to succeed? If I hit my goals and lose weight and become fit, I lose my reason to hate myself and have to start liking myself. Okay, that’s not entirely true, skinny people can hate themselves too but, can you see where I’m going with this? It’s like I’ll lose something along with body fat if I actually see a goal through…I just don’t know what it is. The safety of being inside? I’m onto something but my brain can’t connect the dots right now…

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. The young man who knocked on my door to tell me I left my keys in the door, very nice.
  2. Having a late reporting for work today, especially since I wasn’t feeling great, the timing was perfect!
  3. The little boy at the pool who thanked me for my service. Just a kid but he got it and it made me feel nice.