Where to start…My house is empty, movers came on Thursday and all my stuff is being shipped to Indiana. It could be there in a few days, it could be there in a couple weeks, it could be there in a month, who knows. My mom arrived yesterday and today she started becoming overbearing and making comments that gave me anxiety. I have 7 work days left, a townhome to get cleaned and a life to keep together. I ran two miles yesterday so yay for that. Shit’s getting real and I don’t want to stop it but I just want to hear that it will all be okay…I go back and forth from being super excited to scared shitless. C’est la vie I suppose.
I managed to eke out a run today. The humidity and the wind worked against me but I did better than I thought I would, not a terrible 2 miles. I haven’t been taking the greatest care of myself lately. My house is clean and organized but I don’t match it right now. Just washing my face and brushing my teeth seems like a challenge…so I don’t do it before bed, just in the morning before I present my facade to the world. I don’t even have the motivation to eat even though I’m hungry. My dinner right now is bread. I don’t know what this means. Am I depressed? Am I stressed out? Am I having anxiety because I have 6 weeks of training in another state ahead of me? Probably yes to all of the above but I don’t really feel it, I just don’t feel like myself. I know regular runs will help but not wanting to eat or refill a water bottle means feeling not as strong and probably dehydrated which means feeling tired and cranky which means I don’t want to do anything except hide in my house. Then I see a picture of some size 2, flat stomached bitch and I feel equal parts motivation and self loathing but the self loathing part is easier to execute than the motivated part.
I know running will make me feel better, stronger, more me…last week I was thinking alot about the path of least resistance and training for any kind of run is definitely not that, it’s the path of all resistance especially when the weather doesn’t cooperate. My mom will be here tomorrow and I’m hoping just having her around as company will pull me out of whatever hole I’m slipping into. One thing’s always been sure fact, I’m never more motivated to work out than when I spend alot of time with my mom, I love her but I need those breaks too. Maybe this will be the push I need.
Side note: I know I don’t write the most flattering of blogs but that’s not really what I set out to do. I want to write honestly and that includes the good, the bad and the cellulite. When I find my happy place again I will write happier and more positive posts but, right now, that’s not where I am.
2 miles down today. I miss the days of waking up and running first thing in the morning, knocking it out early when it was just me and the stars that were up and then starting my day already feeling accomplished. Running after work isn’t even in the same category. After work all I want to do is go home, see my fur-babies and relax. I rallied today and did 2 miles but I’d forgotten just what it is to run on tired legs, they felt so heavy and fatigued, I just kept telling myself that this is where that ‘pushing through’ mentality is developed. I’ve been getting better about focusing on my stride and strike but for some reason it wasn’t happening today. I have 3 miles to do tomorrow and then a cardio rest day which I am very much looking forward to. All the other elements today were perfect, it was warm but not sweltering, the sun was out but it wasn’t blinding, there was a breeze but it didn’t give much resistance, great day for a run.
I did manage to get in a good back and bi workout this morning, I had to choose between 15 minutes of yoga or meditating, I chose meditating because I felt that I needed those benefits more, I told myself that I would do some yoga tonight but that may not happen. That’s another thing I’m learning about after work runs, once it’s over I feel exhausted. Last night I was in the shower at 6:30, in the bed at 7, contact lenses were out at 7:10 and lights were out about an hour later. To be in bed that early felt like such a luxury especially since I felt worn out. Tonight seemed like it was going to go a similar path, I had a short chore list to take care of tonight that still isn’t done, after I ate I just sat on the couch and fought to keep my eyes open. I’ve been sipping on some Gatorade to make sure I keep those electrolytes up and it’s given me back a little energy. I think the key on days that I run and then have things to do is to not sit down or even enter the couch’s orbit until it’s all done. As long as I keep moving I seem to do okay. I’m only at 3-4 mile runs and I’m already feeling constantly hungry and tired…I can’t remember what it was like when I was at higher mileage runs in the past but I kind of fear what it will be like in the coming months as I build up. It will be an adventure for sure!
3 miles. That’s less than what my short runs used to be (4 miles). I used to not bother running 3 miles because what would I get out of that? Looking back, I don’t know if I was cocky or just confident and well-trained, maybe a combination of all that. 3 miles was my mileage goal today and I did it. I didn’t run the full 3 miles, but I ran much more than I walked which is something I haven’t been able to say in a long time. I ran the 2 mile course and then did 2 laps on the half mile track (they connect). It was hot but only in the 80’s which is a nice break from the 90’s and 100’s that plagued the whole summer. I pushed myself a little further than I thought I could go and it was well worth it. I am exhausted but I did it. I can sleep tonight knowing that I met my goal for the day. Tomorrow is 2 miles and, hopefully, that will be a little easier with a decent 3 miles under my belt today.
^^^^^I wrote that yesterday and, sure enough, I did even better on my two-mile run today. I want to start by saying that I am a creature of habit. I like structure in my life and I like my regular routines. I like my routine so much that it’s probably one of the biggest contributing factors to my chronic single status. When I die my tombstone will most likely read ‘Here lies Dawn, forever alone but at least she had a routine.’ I say all this because it caused a big internal conflict this afternoon. I changed into my workout clothes before leaving work and I could feel myself teetering on the fitness precipice, one way led to straight to my normal routine of getting the dog from daycare, going home and collapsing on the couch and we know how much good that would have done me (not much). However, the other way would take me even further on to the path of physical and mental fitness, something I am so desperately in need of, but it would be at the expense of my regular, comfortable daily routine. I went straight instead of turning left as I pull out from work and drove straight to the 2 mile track. It’s not like my dog was alone, she was in a place where everyone adores her and she has other dog friends so I made peace with my decision to forego picking her up as soon as I could.
It’s been getting cooler here which has made breathing on my runs so much easier. I can pull the air deeper into my lungs which gives me much more endurance and much less frustration. My goal as I started a light jog was to just make it to a half mile, then I would walk a little bit and start again until I needed to walk some more. I made it easily to the half mile marker so I thought ‘fuck it, let’s push this out to 3/4 of a mile.’ I kept my pace, it felt so natural to me. I made it to the 3/4 mile marker and kept going still. It was all coming back, I was reawakening that runner within. I was still running between the mile and mile and quarter marker when I finally thought to check my watch, I was at 12:50 which I didn’t feel was bad at all, I probably clocked the mile around 11:00 and considering it was the first time in months I had run a full mile, I was more than happy with that.After I hit the mile and a quarter mark I started to feel it and I was ready to stop and take a walk break which I felt rightfully entitled too since I had blown my initial goal out of the water. I didn’t have to make that call though, the end of the day music started playing and I stopped to pay respects. When the music stopped, I started, but the magic was gone, my pace was off and I felt like I was breathing heavier so I stopped and walked it out until I was a little ways past the mile and a half marker. I ran the rest of the way in. I stopped my fitbit as I hit the finish, 25 minutes flat. Considering a good 2-3 minutes of that was music and I walked maybe a little less than a quarter-mile, I was very happy with that.
I still have a CF workout to do today and I’m going to get to it but for now I’m just enjoying this small success.I had to have a hard, honest look at my training plan today. A couple of years ago I maybe could have worked the training plan all the way start to finish with no problem but I’m not in that kind of shape any more, I have to keep myself safe and injury free if I want to see that half marathon starting line. So I’m going to work the plan up until I reach 6 mile long runs which would be at about 5 or 6 weeks. At that point, I’m going to roll back to week 1 and work the plan again until I reach the same spot. Once I’m good with that piece I will work on the next leg to get me 10 miles. I think by going back and repeating certain parts of training I won’t rush myself into runs I’m not ready for and it will give me a chance to work on a little bit of speed. I have a plan, I can do this!