It’s new year. A time that doesn’t equal new beginnings, it’s just a convenient time to consider new beginnings. I’m working on getting back into the swing of my self-care which is something much easier said than done. I’ve been re-reading my most favorite self-help book for maybe the 7th or 8th and I’m determined to really put into practice what’s in this book. The author talks about doing exactly what it is that would make you happy and chasing that. However, what if you don’t know what that is? I’ve heard people say ‘what did you want to be when you were a kid? That’s what you should be.’ What did I want to be as a kid? Depends on the day. Some days I wanted to be a princess, some days I wanted to be a fairy, some days I wanted to be astronaut, some days I wanted to be whatever was the cool show on television.
I guess if we want to get a real for a minute, the thing I most consistently wanted to be was a mom. I know, I know, social programming but as far back as I can remember I had a baby doll of some kind and I would carry it around, feed it, put it in its cradle at night. If I’m going to be embarrassingly truthful, I had a cheap collectors doll well into my late teens, maybe 20’s that I would sometimes wrap in a blanket and hold like a new-born when I needed to feel maternal. Maybe that’s what I’m supposed to do, be a mom. Of course, that’s something I hate to admit to people because it makes me look sad and…old-fashioned, I guess. Maybe the reason I struggle to find a career path I really want is because I just want to be a mom.
I don’t know if that’s enough though.
Most mom’s are great but I want more than that. I think that’s where being a P.A. comes in. Work a couple of shifts in a clinic or hospital during the week and then take care of my kids. Do I really want my own kids though? I mean, the worry and the stress will never end but…yeah, I guess I do really want my own kids. That’s what my gut is telling me right now. Okay, things got very real, very quick. Figuring things out is hard guys.