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I’m too tired to name this…

Something is not right. I did not sleep well last night and I chalked that up to going to bed hungry (I was keeping under my calorie limit) and a slight medication change. I woke up and started my workout but didn’t finish. I eventually moved to the couch and set an alarm for 30 minutes so I could get just a little extra sleep. I went about my usual morning routine, took the dog out, made a smoothie and about an hour after getting to work I started to feel not so great. I had an appointment I had to keep at 0930 but not long after that I threw in the towel. My stomach didn’t feel good, I thought it may have been from my workout a couple of days ago but this wasn’t a sore muscle pain this was a ‘unhappy intestines’ tingle. I came home and immediately placed myself on the couch. One way I can always tell that I’m really not feeling well (as opposed to being lazy), is that I don’t move and I don’t want to move and I don’t feel bad about it. If I’m being lazy I will have a list of things going through my mind the whole time until I get up and get it done. Not today. I laid on the couch for a few hours and didn’t want to get up or do anything, even when my fitbit would vibrate to passive-aggressively remind that I have not hit my hourly step count. I didn’t eat lunch (another tell-tale sign) but I did manage to nibble down a few cookies as it got closer to dinner time.

Here’s my conclusion: I may be getting a little bit of a cold due to changing seasons (hello fatigue) but I don’t think I’m terribly sick. I think, like always, I’m not taking in enough calories. I’ve seen this cycle play out several times in the last few months: I don’t eat great, get strict with my calories for a few days, start feeling ill with an upset stomach and light headedness, eat more (which means less healthy foods) for a couple of days, feel better and decide I need to get serious about my calories to lose weight. I’m by no means in a food danger zone, even when I’m watching my calories I take in between 1,700 and 2,100 calories depending on my fitness that day. I’m so very proud to have kept up with my calorie counting and for so long but I think I need to step back and focus on fitness more than calories. I think I need to not use the app for a while, just eat what feels normal, stick to my training and then maybe revisit in a month or so.

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Back off I’ll take you on…

Well for all my big talk yesterday about how much I love running in the cold, I almost wussed out on my run today. I told myself that I could use today as my rest day and run tomorrow when it’s warmer…then I told myself I need to acclimate and I’ve run in colder. I went out there with leggings and a thick hoody, faced the chill and the wind…and felt like a complete baby when I passed people in tanks, tees and shorts. It was 50 degrees and windy, I wasn’t about to go out with anything less than I had on. I actually got a little irritated at those other people, how dare they handle the cold better than me and make me feel bad about myself…and who are they to be showing off their fit bodies, taking care of themselves better than I do, jeesh, the nerve I tell ya…Yes I was irritated but, obviously, I was mad at myself and not them. Not mad…frustrated, I guess.

I’m still struggling to bring my good vibes back. Sometimes I think maybe I just need a hug and that will right things. That’s the problem with being single and having friends in different time zones, you have to make do with what you have. I try to hug my dog and cat but they just look at me like I’m inconveniencing them with my love…this has taken a weird turn, I should quit while I’m ahead…

 

You’re so cold…

Tomorrow I am slated to run 1.75 miles on my 5k training plan. Tomorrow is also supposed to hit a high of 50 degrees. This is amazing news! I love running in the cold! I am a cold weather runner, that is when I’m at my best. I don’t like the heat, the humidity, the sun baking me. I like starting off cold and warming up with a cool breeze hitting the face to balance the warmth. Throw in some rain drops and I’m in heaven. I’m excited to break out some leggings and long sleeves. There have been a few days lately where the weather has been in the awkward in between of hot and cold, do I wear a tank or a tee, shorts or capris? I’m excited for a run that I actually know.

When I have managed to peel myself off the couch this weekend I’ve been working on packing up the house. My mood hasn’t been the greatest, my vibes are low but I haven’t started the downward depression spiral (I’m fighting dammit!). As I was getting a few things sorted today and I was thinking about the boring day ahead of me at work tomorrow I remembered, my days are limited, seriously, like 15 duty days. So yeah, I may have some dull work days but they aren’t forever, they are dwindling right before my eyes. How exciting is that?! I think I have some latent fear and anxiety that is dampening my mood but I will focus on the good. If money is my biggest concern (it is) then I’m not doing so bad.

Today I like(d):

  1. Knocking more things off my to-do list.
  2. Doing my strength workout without having to take a pre-workout supplement to get the energy for it!
  3. That so many places were open!
  4. That I didn’t have to work.
  5. That I slept super good!

It must be for real, because now I can feel…

The last couple days have been pretty identical: I wake up, knock off the tasks of my to-do list, check the box of my 5k training, take a break on the couch and remain there for 6-8 hours with occasional snack run to the kitchen and bathroom break. I made an honest effort at doing some strength training this afternoon. 3 p.m. rolled around and I wanted to take advantage of the free time so I headed to the basement, knocked out my leg lifts for physical therapy…and that was it.

I spent the rest of the time down there trying to figure out what to do with my workout routine. Running is key, that’s my goal and my love so that is a staple. I want to be strong too. I’ve been doing some light weight strength exercises and I liked lifting when I did it regularly, I had good results but I don’t want to be heavy when I run, I want to be light and lean. So I asked myself, besides running, what are my other fitness goals? They were pretty easy to answer because they haven’t changed: I want to be able to do pull-ups (in essence handle my own body weight) and I want to be able to defend myself if the time comes. Those are such easy fixes it seems almost too easy. I have a pull up stand and I have an internet connection. I also have classes left at the kickboxing studio. I looked up a good routine on how to train to do a pull up, seems doable. I also want to build a strong core (bring sexy back, heeeyyyyy), a strong back (I’m not getting younger) and get leaner legs. I think the legs will just comes with time and training since I already focus so much on them but I can definitely up my core routine since I don’t really have one and that will also help strengthen my back.

The final cherry on this fitness sundae: I need to stop shitting around on my diet. Today, 90% of my calories came from donuts. I bought a half-dozen this morning thinking they’d take me through tomorrow…they didn’t. They lasted me through dinner. If I want results, real results, I’ve got to get the food piece on track. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made amazing strides in improving my diet. A regular Friday night meal used to be a small pepperoni pizza and a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I used to be able to eat an entire box of mac and cheese and follow it up with a whole box of fruit roll ups. I’ve come far in my eating and my self-control, I like baby steps so maybe it’s time for one more, trying to stay under my daily calorie counts. I’d be lying if I said I was honestly tracking my calories the last few days. I know I’m in better condition than I was a month ago but I’m ready for more change.

Today I like(d):

  1. When my cat demands my attention. it’s an honor.
  2. That I found a place that offers free vacuums for the car. It was a nice find.
  3. That my brothers fiancée and I have some shared interests.

I can hear the bells…

I’m a big believer in ‘clean house, clean mind.’ I think when your surroundings are neat and orderly it’s much easier to mentally and spiritually align yourself. I think that is a piece of what’s been bringing me down lately. I’m trying to get my house ready for moving and that means getting things in one spot and deciding what I’m putting in my car and what’s getting packed up and shipped with the movers. What the movers take I won’t see for a couple of weeks, maybe a month, so that doesn’t help either. A couple of days ago I reactivated my Hulu account and found my favorite guilty pleasure shows (Say Yes to the Dress, Fixer Upper and Kardashians) along with almost every show I was watched as kid (TGIF) so I’ve spent most of the day on the couch (after running and hitting my 10,000 steps thankyouverymuch) in front of the T.V. but the last couple hours I have rallied and got my ‘stuff’ collection point organized which already makes me feel a lot better. Tomorrow is the car!

On a side note: The puppy I found last weekend is at the humane society and up for adoption. I so badly want to go get him. I’m going to go visit him tomorrow, just to say hi. I think I need that closure because, rationally, I know I don’t need another sweet little mouth to feed but, emotionally, I feel such a connection with that little guy and I want to be his forever home. Maybe I just need to give him a last belly rub and wish him the best.

Today I like(d):

  1. Seeing that handsome little guy looking healthy and happy.
  2. That my dog made it her whole walk without having to take a break, she’s got a lot of life in her yet!
  3. Treating myself to two pair of new shoes!
  4. Getting things together.
  5. That I found the motivation to run this morning!

Breathe me…

I am on the brink of downward spiral. I can feel it. There seems to be a perfect storm of…shit about to happen. There’s a good side to this though, I know it’s coming and I see the warning signs.

Warning sign 1: I am bored at work. Really bored. I do enough to last me a couple of hours, at most, and then I do nothing but stare at a computer screen and think about how bored I am. I’ve handed over almost all of my job duties and responsibilities to my replacement so she can start finding her own flow and call on me if she needs to but I’ve left myself with 40 hours a week of nothing. Due to work time boredom, I’m completely unmotivated at home and I just want to sit and dwell on how bored I am at work which starts a bad thought chain. Oh yeah, being bored is leading me to wanting to eat all the time and that’s causing me to crave terribly unhealthy foods.

Warning sign 2: Thoughts of the future don’t make me happy and giddy, they make me stressed. Not the thoughts of leaving the military and going to school, those are still amazing. I’m maid of honor in two spring weddings and I’m already feeling resentful. I’ll get to the whole forever alone thing in the next warning sign, this one I’m being resentful because I don’t get to focus on me. Yes, very selfish, but I will be a full-time student and I want to focus on doing well on that but I’ll have to share my time and attention with being involved in two weddings. That upsets me. To be fair, I don’t think I’m dealing with bridezillas so I think they will be understanding but the potential of a melt down while I’m working on something for school has me on edge.

Warning sign 3: Weddings. 2 weddings that I’m in and, as of now, I have no date prospects for either. I’m seriously considering male escorts because, well, it works in the movies right? I like my independence and I do well being on my own until something comes along, like a wedding, and rubs my face in it. It’s like the universe going ‘haha bitch, you’re never going to get there, enjoy the spot next to the bride because you’ll never be the one in white.’ As I’m sure you can imagine, that doesn’t feel great.

Warning sign 4: A huge change is coming and I’m walking away from my routine. Routine is a big thing for me and it’s why I’ve done so well in the air force. Routine give me structure which gives me sanity. After many a long weekend or time off of work I am more than ready to get back in the office because without my routine I become a blob that does nothing for days except eat and think about all the great things I should be doing. I do want some time off when I move back home to settle in and relax and eventually I’ll get a part-time job and start school but until then, I feel like I will be free wheeling into the devil’s playground.

Warning sign 5: Unexpected expenses. I have budgeted all my money from now until the end of the year so I know that I can survive without a job until end of January, maybe February. Today I learned that, traditionally, the maid of honor organizes the bridal shower on her own dime (two bridal showers for me). I was already planning on paying for my dresses and I’m cool with that. Oh, I forgot to mention, one wedding is in New Jersey and one is in Texas and I live in Indiana so hello travel costs and time out of classes. I don’t know what I’ll do if they ask me to make a trip before to help plan. I really wanted to get out of the military and leave stress behind…I’m kind of resentful of that too.

That’s most of the warning signs, the big ones anyways. Maybe they’re more triggers, I don’t know. Like I said, it’s good that I see and acknowledge these and for the first time maybe in my whole life, I realize that I don’t want to do the dark downward spiral. It sucks and it hurts and it doesn’t make me special and it doesn’t get me love. It hurts me and takes me further back from my goals. I can divert my path to avoid this. The hardest part is going to be keeping myself busy at work because I can’t just leave whenever I want to (yet), I have to still be available to my airmen so I have to come up with something to do and fast. Today I want to fight this, tomorrow I may not. The other stuff…I don’t know what to do about that. Maybe the law of attraction will help me manifest a date for these shindigs. I think first I need to start productive in my work days.

Today I like(d):

  1. Realizing that I don’t want to be depressed and appreciating that I can recognize my warning signs and triggers.
  2. My dog’s tail wagging when I came home during lunch and at the end of the day.

The future was wide open…

I had a thought last night. There’s so much negative in the world right now. There’s positive too but, I feel like, the negative is louder and it gets more attention. I need a balance. I need to put something positive out to help slide the scales in favor of the positive. I’ve been trying to be more generous lately and that can sometimes be daunting so may be just be positive. Say something nice to someone or post a positive meme on social media just because it may make someone smile. I’m, by no means, a cheerful or upbeat person (I’m working on getting closer to it though) but I refuse to be a contributor to the nastiness of the world.

I ran 1.5 miles today and now I think I may legs may actually fall off. They were sore all day and then I ran and now I am wiped out but in a good way. In a ‘I am going to sleep really good tonight’ kind of way. I think I’m getting a little better every day.

Today I like(d):

  1. That I was able to give someone a nice gift and they appreciated it.
  2. Getting my t.v. out of my bedroom, no screens where you sleep is the way to go.
  3. The butterfly that ran a little ways with me.
  4. That the knee strap I bought kept most of pain away during my run.
  5. That all my out processing is going nice and smooth.
  6. That I have money always on its way to me!