Sugar we’re going down swingin’…

As someone who has ordained herself the ‘Introverted Runner’, I’m so excited to be writing about running! For a moment today, I thought there was a secret plot to throw all my workouts off this week. Yesterday I was stuck at work late and missed kickboxing, today my boss just wouldn’t stop talking to someone in my office and I had to sit there and wait for them to finish which put me 15 minutes behind my carefully planned schedule. I was so irritated, I swear this woman is starting to plot against me.

I made it though, just later than I wanted. It was sprinkling when I got to the track and I L-O-V-E to run in the rain. However, as soon as my shoes met the track it stopped. I did my intervals and it started kind of rough, ankle pain and knee pain but not enough to make me stop or change my gait. On my last 5 minute run the sun came out in a big, bright way and, with sweat just drenching my face, I felt like I was being cooked. I made it though, I made it through the last 5 minute run and I even started to feel my rhythm coming back. Also, I managed to make it the full 30 minutes without having to stop for water! I chugged the shit out of that shit when I got back to the car though. Hydration is important.

It felt so nice to be out there, working hard and not just giving up on myself. Tomorrow I AM going to kickboxing. I’m starting to see little changes in my body and my spirit and I like it!

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. The doc I saw this morning for an annual check up. She was so nice and fun to talk to.
  2. The food I had for dinner. So good and healthy.
  3. Being able to live comfortably without constant threats to my livelihood.

Could’ve had it all…

I had the best of intentions…for most of the day. I took all my gear with me to work and I said ‘I’m going to leave a few minutes early to make that 5 p.m. kickboxing class!’ Then work stepped in…and I left late instead of early. I don’t know if I’ll make it tonight, I have a 6:30 best friend phone date that I’ve been putting off and it will probably last too long for the 7:30 class. I did some strength training this morning though so I’ve done something fitness-ish today.

Just what is all this about though? Why do I let it be okay that I won’t make the kickboxing class that I said I wanted to go to today? Why don’t I hold myself accountable? I definitely hold other people accountable and I know they hold me accountable when it’s important to them, so why don’t I do that for myself? Is it because my couch and house are more comfy cozy than that gym where I sweat and ache afterwards? Sure, but there’s got to be more to it, yeah? I like kickboxing…if I made it a habit I’d probably love kickboxing. What don’t I love? The drive there, 30-40 minutes in rush hour traffic. Also, they do partner rounds and you have to partner yourself up with, usually, a stranger and that makes me uncomfortable, not in a threatening way just in a ‘I’m socially awkward, don’t judge me’ way. Also, We don’t just hit and kick things, we do a 15 HIIT workout as a ‘warm-up’. This ‘warm up’ has me sweating like I’ve never sweat before and it’s hard…really hard.

Yes, I know, as I read this back it sounds amazingly childish. Ooh, talk to someone and be nice, maybe make a friend, how awful. Workout and sweat so you get healthy and strong and feel better about yourself, what a drag. I’m going to leave the drive complaint alone because as I’ve discussed, I have road rage issues and that drive can have me screaming, really screaming, at people. So that’s 2 lame ass excuses to 1 halfway legitimate excuse. I just have to stick to my own words. I don’t like letting other people down so why do I want to let myself down. Maybe there’s something amazing on the other side of this wall and I’ll see it after I have made this a great habit.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. My cat and his bug eating fetish so I never have to see them.
  2. My boss, for letting bygones be bygones.
  3. My bestie for being there to talk me through shit.

Spread your wings and soar…

Well, I think I redeemed myself for my epic day of laziness yesterday. After I wrote some shit out I got wind around 8 p.m. and cleaned the house, a good cleaning too, not just a surface cleaning. I finally got in bed after 11, had nightmares (thanks IT trailer) but otherwise slept good until around 6:30 a.m. when the fur children jumped on the bed to remind me that morning is for breakfast, not sleeping in. I went to the track and did intervals of 2.5 minutes walking and 5 minutes running. I was nervous for this because I don’t remember the last time I ran 5 minutes. I was expecting 5 minutes of chest pains and gasping for air. I just reminded myself that I like running (I may have repeated to myself that running is my friend, judge if your want but it did the trick) and got going. I was very mindful of my stride and pace and it went much better than expected.

After running, I ran errands, finished up housework, took the dog out and even found some time to relax and nap. Yeah, it was one of those nice, relaxing yet productive days, I’m beginning to really like those.

There’s a few ideas that have been rolling around in my noggin lately and this is one of them. I’ve been working hard to try to better myself by changing my attitude and my outlook. It’s not easy because when I try to do things like positive thinking or affirmations, the voice comes. That mean voice of self-doubt that lives so deep within you, you don’t know where it’s actually coming from or what it looks like. It’s not always loud, but it’s there and it’s powerful.

Here’s what I’ve learned though, that voice isn’t really the enemy. It’s your friend. It’s one of those friends that loves you so much it’s smothering, it doesn’t want you to move away and explore the world, it just wants you to stay close and keep it company. When it says ‘you can’t do this, you’re going to fail,’ it’s trying to protect you and keep you safe from the pain and embarrassment that comes along with failing at something. My little voice, I’m going to name him Norman, likes to tell me that no man will love me, I have nothing in me that’s worth loving. Norman tells me that because he knows how deeply I’ve been hurt and he doesn’t want me to go through that again so by bumming me out, he’s keeping me safe and guarding my heart. I’ve been trying to fight Norman a lot lately but I think I’m done fighting him. I’m going to love and appreciate him instead. When he tries to talk me out of something, I’m going to thank him for trying to keep me safe but tell him that it’s time for me to try something new. I’ll keep Norman close, but he’s not going to hold me back as much anymore.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. Norman.
  2. My very friendly cashier at Costco.
  3. My mom for working to get her house ready for us to move into this fall even though she doesn’t have to.

My body lies over the ocean…

Oooh, I did some things today…I woke up only to stay in bed and watch t.v. I got out of bed just take the dog out and then I relocated to the couch. I put on workout clothes with honest intentions of going to kickboxing but I just couldn’t shake the tired out. I did manage to make it to the grocery store down the street to get a lot of junk for the epic day ahead. I got a small bag of chips, a pre made tres leches cake, box of chocolate cake mix, icing and ice cream. I came home, took a nap. Made lunch that was frozen cheese and bacon potato skins. While I ate that I baked the chocolate cake. I had a piece of that with some icing and ice cream. Then I napped for another 2.5 hours and woke up just in time to feed the fur babies. I went to go pick up dinner which was some amazing fried calamari, a steak with mashed potatoes and broccoli. I have one more bowl of cake and ice cream in my future and then I’m calling it a day. I’ve tracked what I can and I cringe just looking at my daily calorie count but I feel so good and satiated. I definitely need a shower and to show my body some love with a good scrub. Tomorrow will be a new day and, especially after today, I am looking forward to it. There will be running and grocery shopping and cleaning and getting my resume out there.

I used to drink heavily on occasion because I knew I’d feel like shit the next day but that would make me appreciate the day after that much more, it was like a reset. Maybe that’s what today was except with food instead of alcohol because it was way more than a cheat day. I don’t know what that means…I guess good that I’ve downgraded from alcohol to food but it still shows me that I need some improvement in whatever it is that pushes me to seek comfort in food. Lesson learned.

Today I’m grateful for…

  1. Having a day off work where I can just be alone. Not everyone has that.
  2. My sweet fur babies being so patient and letting me be lazy. I got a couple of mean mugs but, for the most part, they just let me do what I needed to do with no temper tantrum or destruction.
  3. An old friend from Germany that reached out today. It was so nice to hear from her.

I will be your remedy…

I have a belly full of wings and cheesy bread and I’m not even mad about it. I’m probably the most comfortable and relax I’ve been all week and it’s because I’m full satiated from a meal. I didn’t want to take a cheat day since I’ve started tracking my food because I was worried it would throw me off but now I’m thinking it’s going to be a necessity, for my sanity and my body. I probably won’t do it every week, I’m not eating that healthy yet, but maybe every two weeks. Full disclosure: I’m not really counting today as the cheat day, I was so busy today I barely got to eat. Even with the wings and cheesy bread I’m just barely over my daily allowance. Tomorrow, I’m going to kickboxing to burn off some stress and negate some of the things I’m going to eat. Then I’m going to the store to get a pint of vanilla ice cream and a chocolate cake. I’m debating over getting a box that I can make (and know the calories of) or just getting one pre-made from the bakery, one of those little ones they always on hand for people like me and babies with birthdays. Then I’m ordering take out from a restaurant down the street, fried calamari, steak and potatoes. Nothing too extreme but it will all be delicious.

Today was rough. Work was stressful and I was angry (probably hangry) most of the day. However, I could tell I wasn’t completely going down the misery rabbit hole because there were a few moments that still lit up my heart. A nice man saying ‘new yersey’ instead of ‘new jersey’. Getting new contacts that corrected my astigmatism and being able to see so much better. Feeding the stray cats that came to the door when I got home from work. Those moments made me happy and told me that I would survive this day. I won’t list my gratitudes because those are it, they pulled me through this challenging day.

A lovely day…

I’ve done about 10 minutes of meditation every day for almost two weeks now. Like tracking calories, it has been life changing. I really picked up on just how much so today. This afternoon was crazy and my boss was driving me up the wall by digging her heels in on a new project that is kind of pointless in my opinion. I was hoping to leave work early so I could go run and then get a jump on rush hour traffic to pick up the dog at daycare. Well that didn’t happen and I left almost an hour and a half later than what I wanted. I didn’t get to even change clothes let alone run because I didn’t want to risk being late to day care and, frankly, I was just in a foul mood. I threw up quite a few middle fingers on the road because, for some reason, everyone seemed to be going about 10 mph below the posted speed limit.

I get the dog and as I’m heading home I just feel emotionally shitty. I was frustrated because of work and really upset because I was looking forward to my run and it didn’t happen. All of this made me just want to scream and cry and pretty much throw a temper tantrum to rival a toddler. So what does all this have to do with meditation? Previously, I may have done all those things and while driving which is very dangerous. Instead, I asked myself what I was feeling and why I was feeling it. I didn’t let my emotions run me, I ran them. I identified and checked them and felt better for doing it. Meditation is the quieting of the mind to let clarity come through and, even after just 12 days, it’s working wonders for me.

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. The day being over.
  2. Tomorrow being friday.
  3. No more driving downtown in rush hour…at least until Tuesday.

What’s your order…

Another day, another missed kickboxing class. I don’t know why, but I’m so hesitant to do kickboxing on the weekdays. Maybe because it doesn’t always seem to fit my routine, maybe because traffic between here and there is not fun, maybe because I let too much time go between after work and class starting so I get too relaxed, maybe all of the above.

I was feeling particularly light when I woke up this morning so I took a chance and hopped on the scale, I’m down 5 pounds! Woot! Now, I take a quick victory dance and keep pressing forward. 5 pounds is great but I’m quick to notice my puffy stomach and thick thighs so no rest for the weary just yet.

In all honesty though, I came home from work early, put on workout clothes for kickboxing, sat on the couch and said I would take a quick power nap thinking it would only be like 10 minutes, it was 30 and it was a deep, solid 30. I woke up feeling hungry so I managed to make it to 5 before making dinner. I ate and then one of my most favorite people called and we talked for over an hour so that wiped out any chance of a later class but, to talk to her, it was totally worth it.

Today was one of those days where I was hungry and wanted to eat everything. I didn’t, I stuck to my meal planning but it’s getting a little more challenging. I think I want a real cheat day. What does this ‘real’ cheat day look like? Great question…It starts with two eggs over easy, hash browns and either a country fried steak or french toast with it. For lunch it’s a burger and fries from 5 guys, an afternoon snack of chocolate cake with vanilla ice cream or a brownie with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream. For dinner, it’s a steak with some kind of potato and vegetable and warm dinner rolls. For dessert, maybe a fruit smoothie or milkshake or just a really good cookie. However, a cheat day made entirely of donuts sounds amazing too. I debate whether or not I should take a cheat day. I’ve been doing so good with portioning and I’ve made progress that I don’t want to negate…but I feel like a day of just putting food in my face would do so much for my body and soul…

Today I’m grateful for:

  1. My friend calling! It was so nice to talk to her and I was genuinely happy to see her call.
  2. My couch which is a perfect napping spot.
  3. The vet! She was so good with my scaredy cat this morning. He was not happy to be at the vet but she took great care of him.