Where to start…My house is empty, movers came on Thursday and all my stuff is being shipped to Indiana. It could be there in a few days, it could be there in a couple weeks, it could be there in a month, who knows. My mom arrived yesterday and today she started becoming overbearing and making comments that gave me anxiety. I have 7 work days left, a townhome to get cleaned and a life to keep together. I ran two miles yesterday so yay for that. Shit’s getting real and I don’t want to stop it but I just want to hear that it will all be okay…I go back and forth from being super excited to scared shitless. C’est la vie I suppose.
Here’s the dealio, I think I have found a better way to articulate what I’m feeling right now since yesterday’s post was a complete jumblefuck. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that when I get back to my mom’s house in Indiana, I’m going to lay my head down, go to sleep and wake up in a world where the past 12 years never happened. This is not a metaphor, this is really what has me riled up right now. I will go to sleep, wake up and be 22 again with no direction and no purpose for my life, just back in a major depressive episode. You know how some people say they wish they could go back to their 20’s, I’m not one of them. Sure I wish I had the physical stamina of my late 20’s but that would be the only thing I want from that decade. Everything else was a complete mess.
Alternate scenario though: I go to sleep, wake up and I’m 34 years old, obese, living with mom and on my way to my job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (an honorable job but just not what I want to do). The fear in both scenarios is the same, that the last 12 years never happened. I never travelled the world, I never met my greatest friends, I never laughed until I cried, I never did anything. I’m legitimately worried that I’ll go home and the last 12 years won’t have happened. Yes, I see the metaphor, I’m scared I’ll go home and regress. I texted one of my closest friends last night and made her take a blood oath to hit me with the tough love if I lose my way, drop out of school and go back into retail (again, another noble occupation but I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt and don’t want to do back). She agreed to be ruthless when necessary which gave me some comfort. It’s just happening and, from a distance, it was really exciting but the closer it gets, it’s scary.
I wish I was about to type out some amazing post about how great my life is going…I really wish…because that’s how I should be feeling, but I don’t. I’m about to make a huge life transition and start a new chapter, be closer to family, be able to reconnect with old friends…I should be on cloud 9 but I’m struggling to reach that high. My house is a mess and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m about to pack up and ship off my whole life and I won’t see most of my stuff for probably a month so hello uncomfortable sofa sleeping situations. I’m walking voluntarily into unemployment for an unforeseeable amount of time. I’m about to be a college student at 34, Oh yeah, I feel fat and like I’ve made zero progress and that makes me want to eat, I mean eat in a bad way. I want to go to Wal-Mart and fill my basket with Halloween candy, a family sized box of fruit roll ups and one of those pre made bakery cakes with the buttercream frosting, not one of the little ones either, I want one that can feed like 6-8 people and I want a pint of cookies and cream ice cream to wash it down with, not the 300 calorie a pint stuff either, the 300 calorie per spoonful kind because why the fuck am I trying so hard if nothing is happening.
I don’t even think this is stress talking, I think it’s more anxiety. I never wanted to do my time in the military just to end up right back where I started 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was 22 and living with my mom, I had no purpose or direction so I enlisted. I’m moving back with home with my mom (potential step back 1) and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my direction and purpose as soon as I get there. I wish I could find comfort in the old ‘if you really don’t want to do it, then it won’t happen’ thinking but I just don’t. Everything right now is just so overwhelming I don’t even know what write about it any more. I think I just need to talk it out with someone face to face…that’s going on this weeks to do list.
Something is not right. I did not sleep well last night and I chalked that up to going to bed hungry (I was keeping under my calorie limit) and a slight medication change. I woke up and started my workout but didn’t finish. I eventually moved to the couch and set an alarm for 30 minutes so I could get just a little extra sleep. I went about my usual morning routine, took the dog out, made a smoothie and about an hour after getting to work I started to feel not so great. I had an appointment I had to keep at 0930 but not long after that I threw in the towel. My stomach didn’t feel good, I thought it may have been from my workout a couple of days ago but this wasn’t a sore muscle pain this was a ‘unhappy intestines’ tingle. I came home and immediately placed myself on the couch. One way I can always tell that I’m really not feeling well (as opposed to being lazy), is that I don’t move and I don’t want to move and I don’t feel bad about it. If I’m being lazy I will have a list of things going through my mind the whole time until I get up and get it done. Not today. I laid on the couch for a few hours and didn’t want to get up or do anything, even when my fitbit would vibrate to passive-aggressively remind that I have not hit my hourly step count. I didn’t eat lunch (another tell-tale sign) but I did manage to nibble down a few cookies as it got closer to dinner time.
Here’s my conclusion: I may be getting a little bit of a cold due to changing seasons (hello fatigue) but I don’t think I’m terribly sick. I think, like always, I’m not taking in enough calories. I’ve seen this cycle play out several times in the last few months: I don’t eat great, get strict with my calories for a few days, start feeling ill with an upset stomach and light headedness, eat more (which means less healthy foods) for a couple of days, feel better and decide I need to get serious about my calories to lose weight. I’m by no means in a food danger zone, even when I’m watching my calories I take in between 1,700 and 2,100 calories depending on my fitness that day. I’m so very proud to have kept up with my calorie counting and for so long but I think I need to step back and focus on fitness more than calories. I think I need to not use the app for a while, just eat what feels normal, stick to my training and then maybe revisit in a month or so.
Well for all my big talk yesterday about how much I love running in the cold, I almost wussed out on my run today. I told myself that I could use today as my rest day and run tomorrow when it’s warmer…then I told myself I need to acclimate and I’ve run in colder. I went out there with leggings and a thick hoody, faced the chill and the wind…and felt like a complete baby when I passed people in tanks, tees and shorts. It was 50 degrees and windy, I wasn’t about to go out with anything less than I had on. I actually got a little irritated at those other people, how dare they handle the cold better than me and make me feel bad about myself…and who are they to be showing off their fit bodies, taking care of themselves better than I do, jeesh, the nerve I tell ya…Yes I was irritated but, obviously, I was mad at myself and not them. Not mad…frustrated, I guess.
I’m still struggling to bring my good vibes back. Sometimes I think maybe I just need a hug and that will right things. That’s the problem with being single and having friends in different time zones, you have to make do with what you have. I try to hug my dog and cat but they just look at me like I’m inconveniencing them with my love…this has taken a weird turn, I should quit while I’m ahead…
Tomorrow I am slated to run 1.75 miles on my 5k training plan. Tomorrow is also supposed to hit a high of 50 degrees. This is amazing news! I love running in the cold! I am a cold weather runner, that is when I’m at my best. I don’t like the heat, the humidity, the sun baking me. I like starting off cold and warming up with a cool breeze hitting the face to balance the warmth. Throw in some rain drops and I’m in heaven. I’m excited to break out some leggings and long sleeves. There have been a few days lately where the weather has been in the awkward in between of hot and cold, do I wear a tank or a tee, shorts or capris? I’m excited for a run that I actually know.
When I have managed to peel myself off the couch this weekend I’ve been working on packing up the house. My mood hasn’t been the greatest, my vibes are low but I haven’t started the downward depression spiral (I’m fighting dammit!). As I was getting a few things sorted today and I was thinking about the boring day ahead of me at work tomorrow I remembered, my days are limited, seriously, like 15 duty days. So yeah, I may have some dull work days but they aren’t forever, they are dwindling right before my eyes. How exciting is that?! I think I have some latent fear and anxiety that is dampening my mood but I will focus on the good. If money is my biggest concern (it is) then I’m not doing so bad.
Today I like(d):
- Knocking more things off my to-do list.
- Doing my strength workout without having to take a pre-workout supplement to get the energy for it!
- That so many places were open!
- That I didn’t have to work.
- That I slept super good!
The last couple days have been pretty identical: I wake up, knock off the tasks of my to-do list, check the box of my 5k training, take a break on the couch and remain there for 6-8 hours with occasional snack run to the kitchen and bathroom break. I made an honest effort at doing some strength training this afternoon. 3 p.m. rolled around and I wanted to take advantage of the free time so I headed to the basement, knocked out my leg lifts for physical therapy…and that was it.
I spent the rest of the time down there trying to figure out what to do with my workout routine. Running is key, that’s my goal and my love so that is a staple. I want to be strong too. I’ve been doing some light weight strength exercises and I liked lifting when I did it regularly, I had good results but I don’t want to be heavy when I run, I want to be light and lean. So I asked myself, besides running, what are my other fitness goals? They were pretty easy to answer because they haven’t changed: I want to be able to do pull-ups (in essence handle my own body weight) and I want to be able to defend myself if the time comes. Those are such easy fixes it seems almost too easy. I have a pull up stand and I have an internet connection. I also have classes left at the kickboxing studio. I looked up a good routine on how to train to do a pull up, seems doable. I also want to build a strong core (bring sexy back, heeeyyyyy), a strong back (I’m not getting younger) and get leaner legs. I think the legs will just comes with time and training since I already focus so much on them but I can definitely up my core routine since I don’t really have one and that will also help strengthen my back.
The final cherry on this fitness sundae: I need to stop shitting around on my diet. Today, 90% of my calories came from donuts. I bought a half-dozen this morning thinking they’d take me through tomorrow…they didn’t. They lasted me through dinner. If I want results, real results, I’ve got to get the food piece on track. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve made amazing strides in improving my diet. A regular Friday night meal used to be a small pepperoni pizza and a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s. I used to be able to eat an entire box of mac and cheese and follow it up with a whole box of fruit roll ups. I’ve come far in my eating and my self-control, I like baby steps so maybe it’s time for one more, trying to stay under my daily calorie counts. I’d be lying if I said I was honestly tracking my calories the last few days. I know I’m in better condition than I was a month ago but I’m ready for more change.
Today I like(d):
- When my cat demands my attention. it’s an honor.
- That I found a place that offers free vacuums for the car. It was a nice find.
- That my brothers fiancée and I have some shared interests.