I think I cracked under my own pressure today. I got up early-ish so I could make it to kickboxing class which 30 minutes away and most of that is interstate. I gave myself 40 minutes and still didn’t make it because a truck was stalled in the middle of the interstate and backed up traffic for miles. I was cranky, to say the least. I didn’t want to have had gone all that way for nothing though so I went to the good Wal-Mart in the area and got some groceries and food items for Thanksgiving. I swung by my favorite bagel place of the way home thinking I could buy my happiness back in the form of chocolate chip bagels and strawberry cream cheese. The place was packed, all parking spots taken and people were even parked along the curb. I came home and my mom asked if I was having a bad day I just mumbled yes as I put away the groceries and didn’t say what I wanted to say which was ‘ yes, woman, you’re treating me like your servant girl and having me bring you things and cook your meals and I’m tired of it.’ I didn’t though. I just put the groceries away, got out one of my favorite blankets and got back into bed.
A few hours later I emerged for lunch and I wanted a red creme soda float. I found red creme soda yesterday while I was out and that is the epitome of all my childhood memories so I snatched it up. I bought the vanilla ice cream for it while I was at Wal-Mart so I made my way to the kitchen…to find the freezer door didn’t shut all the way (thank you frozen pizza) and my vanilla savior was melted. I threw it away because, really, who wants re-frozen ice cream with that frost all over it. Again, my mom poked her head out and commented on my bad day. It’s not really a bad day though is it. I mean, I couldn’t make it to a kickboxing class, chose not to expose myself to a large crowd of people for the sake of bagels (how dare they not know I was coming and clear out, right?) and my ice cream melted…this does not make a bad day. I’ve been buried under my favorite blanket being cranky but I have my dog keeping me company along with a lot of books and my trusty laptop. By all accounts this is just a lovely relaxing day with a few unfortunate timings.
I let it be bad though. I haven’t taken care of myself in the form of eating and drinking water, I’m pretty famished and dehydrated right now but I’m also being stubborn as shit. I’ve made dinner almost every night since I’ve been and I’ve had to do the dishes and I’m pissy about it because I feel like it’s setting the precedent. I don’t want to be responsible for another grown persons meals, I can’t handle that pressure. So I sit here and hold in the anger and it’s building resentment in me that is bubbling over. I can’t say anything though. When I was little my mother’s love was very conditional. I had to be damn near perfect or I got the silent treatment. The silent treatment was worse than the yelling because at least when she was yelling at me she was acknowledging me. The silent treatment hurt because I thought it meant she didn’t love me or she wanted me to go away or that she would go away and as a child (we’re talking 10 and under here) that’s traumatizing.
So I’ve been sitting here, sitting in a stew of my own negativity and self-examination. I have a plan and that is to suggest we meal plan on weekends for the week ahead. We decide what we want, when we want it and who’s going to fix it and put it on the fridge. If the cook of the day wants to change the menu then that’s cool but just do it ahead of time and make sure the responsibility is even. See, a plan! I need a plan for the rest of my life now.
Ever since I’ve moved back I’ve been living under the veil of ‘I want to…’ Every day I say at least once, to myself or someone else, I want to do xxxx. A common one is ‘I want to get my 10,000 steps every day.’ I went from living in a tri level townhome to a very small 2 bedroom with a basement, less than a 1000 square feet total. I have a fenced in yard for the dog which is great but also means I don’t walk her. On a super lazy day in my townhome I could still, pretty easily, get between 4,000 and 5,000 steps. Here, on a similar day, I’d be lucky to get 2,000. So I have work harder to find those steps which I can do but it’s also very cold side so the ‘I want to get 10,000 steps every day’ gets an add on of ‘except it’s cold and I don’t want to go outside right now.’ So do I really want to get those steps or do I want to want to get those steps? This is how I feel about so much right now. I want to get a part-time job…but it’s scary and giving me anxiety. I want to go out and try to meet new people…but I’m worried they may not like me. I want to work out and practice self-care since…but I’d rather plop on the couch and turn on the t.v.
Before I left Kansas I kept telling myself that I don’t want to negate the last 12 years by turning back into the aimless and depressed 22-year-old version of myself. I still don’t want that to happen. I think I want to want these things but that’s not enough. I need to put the action into it. Everything needs action to get it going right? Oh grand universe, please help me get past the ‘wanting to want to’ and help me get to the place of ‘doing it because I can and I want to’.