Nothing gonna change my world…

I think I cracked under my own pressure today. I got up early-ish so I could make it to kickboxing class which 30 minutes away and most of that is interstate. I gave myself 40 minutes and still didn’t make it because a truck was stalled in the middle of the interstate and backed up traffic for miles. I was cranky, to say the least. I didn’t want to have had gone all that way for nothing though so I went to the good Wal-Mart in the area and got some groceries and food items for Thanksgiving. I swung by my favorite bagel place of the way home thinking I could buy my happiness back in the form of chocolate chip bagels and strawberry cream cheese. The place was packed, all parking spots taken and people were even parked along the curb. I came home and my mom asked if I was having a bad day I just mumbled yes as I put away the groceries and didn’t say what I wanted to say which was ‘ yes, woman, you’re treating me like your servant girl and having me bring you things and cook your meals and I’m tired of it.’ I didn’t though. I just put the groceries away, got out one of my favorite blankets and got back into bed.

A few hours later I emerged for lunch and I wanted a red creme soda float. I found red creme soda yesterday while I was out and that is the epitome of all my childhood memories so I snatched it up. I bought the vanilla ice cream for it while I was at Wal-Mart so I made my way to the kitchen…to find the freezer door didn’t shut all the way (thank you frozen pizza) and my vanilla savior was melted. I threw it away because, really, who wants re-frozen ice cream with that frost all over it. Again, my mom poked her head out and commented on my bad day. It’s not really a bad day though is it. I mean, I couldn’t make it to a kickboxing class, chose not to expose myself to a large crowd of people for the sake of bagels (how dare they not know I was coming and clear out, right?) and my ice cream melted…this does not make a bad day. I’ve been buried under my favorite blanket being cranky but I have my dog keeping me company along with a lot of books and my trusty laptop. By all accounts this is just a lovely relaxing day with a few unfortunate timings.

I let it be bad though. I haven’t taken care of myself in the form of eating and drinking water, I’m pretty famished and dehydrated right now but I’m also being stubborn as shit. I’ve made dinner almost every night since I’ve been and I’ve had to do the dishes and I’m pissy about it because I feel like it’s setting the precedent. I don’t want to be responsible for another grown persons meals, I can’t handle that pressure. So I sit here and hold in the anger and it’s building resentment in me that is bubbling over. I can’t say anything though. When I was little my mother’s love was very conditional. I had to be damn near perfect or I got the silent treatment. The silent treatment was worse than the yelling because at least when she was yelling at me she was acknowledging me. The silent treatment hurt because I thought it meant she didn’t love me or she wanted me to go away or that she would go away and as a child (we’re talking 10 and under here) that’s traumatizing.

So I’ve been sitting here, sitting in a stew of my own negativity and self-examination. I have a plan and that is to suggest we meal plan on weekends for the week ahead. We decide what we want, when we want it and who’s going to fix it and put it on the fridge. If the cook of the day wants to change the menu then that’s cool but just do it ahead of time and make sure the responsibility is even. See, a plan! I need a plan for the rest of my life now.

Ever since I’ve moved back I’ve been living under the veil of ‘I want to…’ Every day I say at least once, to myself or someone else, I want to do xxxx. A common one is ‘I want to get my 10,000 steps every day.’ I went from living in a tri level townhome to a very small 2 bedroom with a basement, less than a 1000 square feet total. I have a fenced in yard for the dog which is great but also means I don’t walk her. On a super lazy day in my townhome I could still, pretty easily, get between 4,000 and 5,000 steps. Here, on a similar day, I’d be lucky to get 2,000. So I have work harder to find those steps which I can do but it’s also very cold side so the ‘I want to get 10,000 steps every day’ gets an add on of ‘except it’s cold and I don’t want to go outside right now.’ So do I really want to get those steps or do I want to want to get those steps? This is how I feel about so much right now. I want to get a part-time job…but it’s scary and giving me anxiety. I want to go out and try to meet new people…but I’m worried they may not like me. I want to work out and practice self-care since…but I’d rather plop on the couch and turn on the t.v.

Before I left Kansas I kept telling myself that I don’t want to negate the last 12 years by turning back into the aimless and depressed 22-year-old version of myself. I still don’t want that to happen. I think I want to want these things but that’s not enough. I need to put the action into it. Everything needs action to get it going right? Oh grand universe, please help me get past the ‘wanting to want to’ and help me get to the place of ‘doing it because I can and I want to’.

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I want to push you around…

Well, here I am. I am restarting kickboxing classes on Tuesday morning and I am so excited! I desperately need the interaction and the workout. I’ve been stuffing my face all day with big meals and tomorrow I am going to break in the new home gym set up. It’s like the old home gym set up but in a much smaller room. It will serve it’s purpose though.

I’ve been questioning myself on my running though. I have only run once since we moved and that was on a path that’s about a 15 minute drive from here so not something I want to do on a regular basis. There’ s a path maybe half a mile away but to get there is limited sidewalk and crossing a busy road without a cross walk so that make me nervous. Oh yeah, it’s getting kind of cold. Not as cold as it was in Kansas but still pretty chilly. However, if I jumprope for a few minutes outside as warm up that will get the blood going. See, I have this plan but I’m hesitating on the execution and I think it’s because I’m nervous about setting this new routine in this new place. Ridiculous, yeah? It has me sincerely wondering if I still want to be a runner. I’ve resigned myself to the idea that I may never do marathon or even half marathon distances but I like the idea of being able to do 5 and 10k’s but, duh, I have to train for them. Since I don’t have the mandatory military fitness requirement hanging over my head any more do I really want to keep running? As I typed out that question the word screaming in my head is ‘YES!’ I like how it makes me feel and isn’t feeling good one of the most important things in doing something. I just need the push out the door. Somebody push me!!

Goodbye yellow brick road…

It’s been a little over two weeks since I last posted so here’s the latest and greatest…We had along but uneventful drive from Kansas to Indiana. Movers came a couple of days after we arrived and all but one cardboard box is out of the house. I have new student orientation next week for school and things are just ticking along…sorta. Right now I’m in no rush to find a job but I can feel boredom lurking right around the corner. I’m about 97% unpacked and organized in the house but I have no idea what I’m going to do when I finish that last 3%. I’ve only run once since I’ve been back and I have to, I mean absolutely have to get a fitness routine going. I was finally able to clear out and organize the room with all my workout stuff in it so I can actually use that now. I’m also trying to get my kickboxing membership transferred to the studio here so I can finish up my classes. I also went to a psychic who pretty much reassured me that I made the right decision to leave the military and said I have a new relationship to look forward to.

Through all that though, how am I doing? I think I’m doing okay. I’m keeping busy. My mom is only driving me crazy on some days and not every day. I’m finding new ways to meet people, I just actually have to follow through with my plans. I haven’t been practicing much self-care and I haven’t tracking my calories or taking great care of myself. I’m not pigging out with indiscretion, I’m just kind of surviving until I find a new routine. The sleep I’m getting is great though so yay for that!

Ready to run…

I love my mom. I do, truly and sincerely, she is my mom and she is a rock for me. But sweet holy moses is she driving me up a wall. I feel like I’m a teenager under her rules and beck and call again. I was eating my lunch today and right as I’m eating she gets up and asks me to help her with something. Uh, hello, I’m eating, can this not wait until I finish my cheesey cracker mix? Later, we’re driving back from dinner and she feels the need to act as my side seat driver. I have been driving for 18 years with only one major accident and a couple fender benders, I think I got this. Eventually I have to say something. I can’t live like this. I haven’t spent 12 years in the military and lived independently in this country and others just to go back to being treated like a child. It would be one thing if this were just a visit and she was going back home soon but it’s not. I’m moving in with her. I need my space and independence and dammit I need to be treated like an adult!

I think I need to run. I haven’t run since Saturday because of this move. I need it.

Moving on up…

Where to start…My house is empty, movers came on Thursday and all my stuff is being shipped to Indiana. It could be there in a few days, it could be there in a couple weeks, it could be there in a month, who knows. My mom arrived yesterday and today she started becoming overbearing and making comments that gave me anxiety. I have 7 work days left, a townhome to get cleaned and a life to keep together. I ran two miles yesterday so yay for that. Shit’s getting real and I don’t want to stop it but I just want to hear that it will all be okay…I go back and forth from being super excited to scared shitless. C’est la vie I suppose.

Come break me down…

Here’s the dealio, I think I have found a better way to articulate what I’m feeling right now since yesterday’s post was a complete jumblefuck. I’m afraid. I’m afraid that when I get back to my mom’s house in Indiana, I’m going to lay my head down, go to sleep and wake up in a world where the past 12 years never happened. This is not a metaphor, this is really what has me riled up right now. I will go to sleep, wake up and be 22 again with no direction and no purpose for my life, just back in a major depressive episode. You know how some people say they wish they could go back to their 20’s, I’m not one of them. Sure I wish I had the physical stamina of my late 20’s but that would be the only thing I want from that decade. Everything else was a complete mess.

Alternate scenario though: I go to sleep, wake up and I’m 34 years old, obese, living with mom and on my way to my job stocking shelves at Wal-Mart (an honorable job but just not what I want to do). The fear in both scenarios is the same, that the last 12 years never happened. I never travelled the world, I never met my greatest friends, I never laughed until I cried, I never did anything. I’m legitimately worried that I’ll go home and the last 12 years won’t have happened. Yes, I see the metaphor, I’m scared I’ll go home and regress. I texted one of my closest friends last night and made her take a blood oath to hit me with the tough love if I lose my way, drop out of school and go back into retail (again, another noble occupation but I’ve been there, done that, got the t-shirt and don’t want to do back). She agreed to be ruthless when necessary which gave me some comfort. It’s just happening and, from a distance, it was really exciting but the closer it gets, it’s scary.

Sugar we’re going down swingin…

I wish I was about to type out some amazing post about how great my life is going…I really wish…because that’s how I should be feeling, but I don’t. I’m about to make a huge life transition and start a new chapter, be closer to family, be able to reconnect with old friends…I should be on cloud 9 but I’m struggling to reach that high. My house is a messĀ  and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m about to pack up and ship off my whole life and I won’t see most of my stuff for probably a month so hello uncomfortable sofa sleeping situations. I’m walking voluntarily into unemployment for an unforeseeable amount of time. I’m about to be a college student at 34, Oh yeah, I feel fat and like I’ve made zero progress and that makes me want to eat, I mean eat in a bad way. I want to go to Wal-Mart and fill my basket with Halloween candy, a family sized box of fruit roll ups and one of those pre made bakery cakes with the buttercream frosting, not one of the little ones either, I want one that can feed like 6-8 people and I want a pint of cookies and cream ice cream to wash it down with, not the 300 calorie a pint stuff either, the 300 calorie per spoonful kind because why the fuck am I trying so hard if nothing is happening.

I don’t even think this is stress talking, I think it’s more anxiety. I never wanted to do my time in the military just to end up right back where I started 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was 22 and living with my mom, I had no purpose or direction so I enlisted. I’m moving back with home with my mom (potential step back 1) and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my direction and purpose as soon as I get there. I wish I could find comfort in the old ‘if you really don’t want to do it, then it won’t happen’ thinking but I just don’t. Everything right now is just so overwhelming I don’t even know what write about it any more. I think I just need to talk it out with someone face to face…that’s going on this weeks to do list.