Where to start…my first semester of college is done, only 6-7 more to go! I managed to get by with 3 A’s and B. They could have been better but I lost my happy place for a few weeks in the middle there. I’m already a day into the next semester but with only 2 classes for the first half of summer so, not quite as heavy as the last semester.
My brother’s wedding went off fairly well. I drove his bride to the venue on the day of and, while it was just the two of us, I allowed myself to open up to her ever to slightly. I told her there was a legacy of abuse in our family and I believe that we, as the newer generation, can end it and I’m glad that she is going to be a part of that. I said it much more eloquently but you get my drift. I made her tear up (not my intention) and she said that my brother has acknowledged a similar family history and expressed the same sentiment of wanting to end the abuse. Our exchange only lasted a few minutes before going back to exciting wedding day talk but it felt very healing. It eased some of my concern that my brother is a serial abuser and I felt reassured that she would not let him hurt her or any children they may have.
The day went by easily after that. I may have had a glass of wine or 5 at the reception (it was 5). I haven’t had a drink in months and once I had my first glass of wine, I wanted all the wine. Seriously, there were glasses half full of toasting champagne sitting every where and I had to hold myself back from just grabbing random glasses and throwing it back. I had a nice buzz going and just wanted to sleep once we got back to the hotel. When my buzz wore off all my worries came back and I realized, for the first time ever, why I like drinking so much. It turns off the anxiety. When I have that buzz, I’m not worried about anything or going over worst case scenarios. I’m just happy and bubbly with no stress. Then I feel so good in that spot that I drink more and that’s how I get to sloppy drunk but it’s that anxiety-free buzz that I crave so badly. Where is that in a pill form? That’s the shit I want.
Maybe the most significant update is something I did today. I signed up for a dating site. I haven’t been on a date in years, actual, multiple years. My love life has been at absolute zero for so long I feel like all my previous experience has been declared moot and I am starting out from scratch, like a teenager again and who wants that? I looked through some of the profiles that were selected for me and the men were just…unappealing. They were balding and older. They looked like the guys that just want to sit in front of the t.v. watching the news and that’s it. I know I shouldn’t judge sitting in front of the t.v. since that is where I am right now, but I want someone to challenge me to try new things. I want someone fun. I saw no Channing Tatum or Tom Hardy-esque men and that’s what I’m looking for…I may need to manage my expectations a little bit.