Oh goodness…

Well it’s been a minute. I got out of the habit of writing but I want to get back into it, I like the release it gives me and it helps me quiet the noise in the ol’ noggin. I’m not sure where to start. Not because my life has been THAT exciting but some changes have been made, mostly for the better. I guess I will start with the ‘best’ and work my way down not the ‘not quite as best.’

The best: There’s officially 10% less of me! Yes, that is probably strange to read but it’s exciting for me to say. I watched a show that led me to a book and that book has given me an eating plan and a fitness routine that I’ve actually been able to maintain for a month now and I’m officially down 17 lbs since last November. The eating plan (I don’t like the word diet, it has such a negative vibe to it) is based on smoothies made of mostly fruits, some leafy greens and a protein (usually milk, greek yogurt or protein powder). The smoothies are so easy to make and they are delicious! I wouldn’t be able to stick with this if it wasn’t for those two factors. The workouts consist of just 4 basic moves and take about 20-30 minutes depending on how into it I am that day. Also, steps. You’re supposed to get at least 10,000 steps a day and that’s it. Yes, some days that’s not always easy but I can hit it most days with some time on the treadmill. I’ve seen great changes in my body already. My size 12 jeans are very loose and my size 10 jeans are more comfy and don’t give me much muffin top anymore. I don’t know that my energy level has changed much but the changes in my body and on the scale are keeping me motivated.

The good: It is the end of the semester! I only have a handful of school assignments left and a couple of exams and then I’m done with school…for a day! I’m taking summer classes but I won’t have nearly the work load I do now. I have two classes for the first six weeks of summer and they are both online so I’ll have a much more relaxed pace for them. I have one class for the second six weeks which is going to be 3 hours in school twice a week but the work load will still be much easier than 5 classes. This semester hasn’t been terrible but I’m looking forward to being able to enjoy the summer time and reset myself a little on the self-care front. Reading more books (not school related), getting outside with the dog, and just clearing my mind.

The okay: I’m about a month into these antidepressants. They have taken the edge off my anxiety and things don’t bum me out as much but I’m not the whole new person I thought they would make me. I probably had expectations that were way too high. I’m grateful for what they have done for me though, I guess it’s on me to make the deeper changes and hope that gets me to where I want to be.

The meh: I’m still at my job and it’s not as terrible as I thought it would be. I feel like an alien in this world of nurses and medical technicians but I’m starting to accept that because they aren’t my people. The Air Force is my people. My people are all over the country and all over the world. I wish one or two were closer but I know they are out there. It can make for some lonely and boring days at work without a pal to chat with but I think I’m starting to be less afraid of my co-workers and they are warming up to me. I don’t know that they will ever accept me and I may never accept them and that’s okay. We can still work side-by-side as a cohesive unit. The pros are starting to outweigh the cons so I may stick this gig out for a while longer.

The I guess this is good but whatever: My brother is getting married this coming Saturday. I have mixed feelings about it given our history and I had even considered not going because of our past. However, I like his fiancée and I don’t want to screw her over by losing her maid of honor (me) at the last-minute. I’m just hoping and praying that my brother has truly changed over the last 25 years and that I’m not being complicit in his bad behavior. I wish I was braver but I feel like, if I were to tell my truth then it would cause more bad than good. The silver lining in all this is that it’s giving me impetus to start taking care of myself again. My skin is clear, I darkened my hair, waxed my eyebrows and this week I’m getting nails done. I know true beauty is within but as someone who has felt stuck in the ‘ugly duckling’ phase for 30 years, it’s nice to start feeling pretty.

That’s the highlights. This week is going to be busy. Lots of things to do but this is the storm and next week is the calm…thank you baby Jesus.

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