What I Was Waiting For

At the start of last week, I was in a panic. Every day this week I thought about quitting my job because I was scared of being in this new place that was unfamiliar to me. In my 12 year military career, I relocated to 5 different bases and that’s not including basic training, technical training or a deployment. I went to multiple trainings and seminars where I was with complete strangers and expected to make small talk and network. However, in the military, you can tell a lot about a person from one glance. The uniform tells me we speak the same language and made a similar sacrifice to wear it. The rank gives me an idea of where they are in their career and how long they’ve been in. Occupational badge gives me an idea of the career field. Even their hair and condition of their uniform tells me how much pride they take in being in the military. I can get all that information before even saying ‘hello’. I can’t do that here and that is very unnerving.

I survived the week though and I didn’t quit my job but I did come up with a way to do it so I wouldn’t be hounded by security for my badge and have to endure the awkward ‘I quit’ moment. I’m not saying I’m going to quit anytime soon, I just have an escape plan if needed. I saw my doc and she very kindly put me on antidepressants to help me control my anxiety. I made the mistake of reading all the side effects and personal reviews the morning before taking my first dose. I spent the rest of the day being extra vigilant of fatigue and diarrhea which, of course, made me tired and upset my stomach. What was encouraging was everything that this little pill is supposed to help with. The list includes: depression, generalized anxiety, agoraphobia, OCD, PMS and PMDD. I feel like I have all of those to some degree so I’m really relying on this pill to fix all those issues and form me into, mentally, into a perfect human being, that’s reasonable, yeah?

I’m pleased to say this week will be much calmer than last so this will be my first glimpse of a ‘typical’ week for me now. Two work days, 3 school days and two free days. Not too bad. The school part will change soon as the semester winds down but I’ll be launching right into a summer semester because I don’t want to end up being a 40-year old college student. I’m also meeting with an advisor tomorrow to talk about changing my major because, as I’ve said before, I still don’t know what I want to be when I grow up. So this is it. I left the military for this full-time school/part-time work life and this week both of those things combine. I hope it’s everything I wanted it to be.

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