Here it is…

Well, I’m officially, 35 years old. A 35-year-old college student living with mom. Yep, I’m awesome. Stay back boys, I know you all want to get with this hot dish.

In all seriousness, this day has been as joyful as you would it expect it to be for a 35-year-old college student that still lives with mom. In other words, it hasn’t been great. Today was my one day to sleep in this week and my lovely, good-hearted bestest friend woke me up at 0630 with a happy birthday text message. I appreciated her eagerness but I would have appreciated an extra hour or two of sleep just a little more. I lazed in bed for a bit and tried to decide what to do with my day. The weather forecast was sunny and in the 50’s, too nice to be spent inside, I told myself. I had a class at noon but it would be okay to ditch on my birthday, yeah? Instead of class I could take the dog on a hike or go to the zoo or drive to one of my most favorite pizza spots that’s an hour away. So many adventures, which one would I choose to start off my thirty-fifth year of live? I wish, like the cool kid I always so desperately wanted to be, I had a great story to tell you…but I don’t.

I left the house for class at 11 (after a super healthy breakfast of cake and ice cream), came home a little after 1330 (1:30 p.m) and laid in bed to re-think every life choice I had made within the last year. Have you ever had one of those weeks where it’s just feels super busy and you tell yourself, ‘I just have to make it to X time on X day and this will all be over?’ I do that a lot and it sucks. What sucks more is when you have multiple consecutive weeks like that and you operate in just pure survival mode. You’re not even living your life at that point, you’re just letting the momentum of time pull you to the end while you count minutes and seconds until it’s all over. What kind of life of that? That’s how I’ve felt for the last month or so. I just have to get past this and it will be over and now I have to get past this one and it will be over. I say again, it sucks! I think it’s been eating away at my soul because as I laid in my bed, my cat curled up next to me, probably for the heat, I felt like I had nothing left in me for anything. My anxiety had eaten away at any excitement I had for school and work which now left me feeling exhausted and overwhelmed.

Eventually my mom emerged from her hole in the basement (that’s where she wanted to live, I didn’t make her move to the cold basement) and came to check on me. I word vomited everything in my brain all over the room. The highlights included: being scared of this new job, thinking about changing my major and being  so old that I would now be considered high risk and geriatric if I got pregnant today. I haven’t always been the biggest fan of my mom. She’s not known for her warmth and understanding but today she stepped up to the plate. She let me rant while she stroked my back in that way that only mom’s know how to do. She even offered some encouraging words. Living with mom in your 30’s may not be the coolest or most mature way to live, but sometimes it’s nice.

Between venting to my mom and texting my BFF who woke me up this morning, I snapped out of my B-Day funk, at least a little bit. I’m not in my happy place but I’m not giving up either. Yes, the momentum of time may have to pull me through this week but hopefully after this is done I will be in a better place or at least on my way to a better place. I just have to make it to 1630 (4:30 p.m.) on Friday.


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