I wish I was about to type out some amazing post about how great my life is going…I really wish…because that’s how I should be feeling, but I don’t. I’m about to make a huge life transition and start a new chapter, be closer to family, be able to reconnect with old friends…I should be on cloud 9 but I’m struggling to reach that high. My house is a mess and there’s nothing I can do about it, I’m about to pack up and ship off my whole life and I won’t see most of my stuff for probably a month so hello uncomfortable sofa sleeping situations. I’m walking voluntarily into unemployment for an unforeseeable amount of time. I’m about to be a college student at 34, Oh yeah, I feel fat and like I’ve made zero progress and that makes me want to eat, I mean eat in a bad way. I want to go to Wal-Mart and fill my basket with Halloween candy, a family sized box of fruit roll ups and one of those pre made bakery cakes with the buttercream frosting, not one of the little ones either, I want one that can feed like 6-8 people and I want a pint of cookies and cream ice cream to wash it down with, not the 300 calorie a pint stuff either, the 300 calorie per spoonful kind because why the fuck am I trying so hard if nothing is happening.
I don’t even think this is stress talking, I think it’s more anxiety. I never wanted to do my time in the military just to end up right back where I started 12 years ago. 12 years ago I was 22 and living with my mom, I had no purpose or direction so I enlisted. I’m moving back with home with my mom (potential step back 1) and I’m terrified that I’m going to lose my direction and purpose as soon as I get there. I wish I could find comfort in the old ‘if you really don’t want to do it, then it won’t happen’ thinking but I just don’t. Everything right now is just so overwhelming I don’t even know what write about it any more. I think I just need to talk it out with someone face to face…that’s going on this weeks to do list.